I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
