I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
