Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
