Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
