Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
