the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
