you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
