i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
