she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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