She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize