i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
