I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
