Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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