PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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