I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
