i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Welp...herpes.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
