is your mom at the bar?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
