Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
As shirtless as possible
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
