im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
