you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
