drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
