onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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