I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
