Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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