When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
