I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
