Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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