can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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