I saw his package. It spoke to me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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