My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just invented taco cereal.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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