My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
