If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
