i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize