Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
