he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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