I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
