I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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