loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
