I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
