Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
