I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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