I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
