my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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