The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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