forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
