if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
