I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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