Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
