So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
