I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
