I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
