Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
