Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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