$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
