...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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