GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
