The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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