Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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