I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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