Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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