i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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