You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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