i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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