Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
