Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize