dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
